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Barbarus Campaign

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  • Barbarus Campaign

    Hi,

    Still very much work in progress, but should be playable.
    *Work in the project has stopped, it was fun, but it uses IP that is incompatible with making an official Savage Worlds product. If you are very interested in a messy GMG part 2, or continue work on the project it you may contact us via the email in the frontpage of the documents.

    The PG is the Players Guide

    The GMG is the Game Master Guide

    The Game Master Guide should be kept off-limits to all potential players.
    There are massive spoilers in the foreword.

    Comments, critique etc. can be emailed to the email embedded in the frontpage of both PDF's.

    Disclaimer - Lich Lord Labs is not a Corporation or Company.

    *Edit 2019-APR-05 : New versions of the GMG and PG has been uploaded, Disclaimer changed.
    *Edit 2019-APR07 : Inserted current status text of the project, Currently $1 line 2 and 3.
    Attached Files
    Last edited by LichLordLabs; 04-07-2019, 08:10 PM.

  • #2
    I'll check'em out when I get the chance.

    But just some friendly advice: if this is an original setting, you may want to keep it a bit more secret so you can sell it as a SWAG product. But if you are just feeling generous and want to share, that's fine too.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hi Deskepticon,

      As you will see this is not at all an original setting, hence the big disclaimer in both documents.

      Comment


      • Deskepticon
        Deskepticon commented
        Editing a comment
        Aha! I see.

        About that disclaimer though... publicly saying that Lich Lord Labs is not a "formal entity" is a good way for someone to steal the name. If you like the name, claim it. Let everyone know that Lich Lord Labs is your brand by asserting ownership over it. Heck, draw up a logo and put a trademark (TM) symbol next to it. There's no "formal" process to building a brand other than just putting it out there. A Registered Trademark only secures you more legal standing by throwing money at it.

        Besides, if Barbarus is an owned property, it doesn't matter if the name you attach to the documents is "official" or not; it won't prevent the owner from filing a claim if they really choose to. The only difference would be the name that appears on the Cease and Desist letter. :lol:

        Don't get wrong, I'm not trying to scare you away from the project. By all means, continue working on improving it. What I am trying to do is encourage you to embrace the name Lich Lord Labs. Don't disavow yourself from it by suggesting you don't have a stake in it. You do! Own that s***!

    • #4
      Hi Deskepticon,
      Thx for the great points, I have immediately made a logo and put it in the PDFs and changed the disclaimer accordingly.

      Barbarus is not on the disclaimer list supplied by GW to fan projects... But we might consider calling it Barbarussia instead
      Last edited by LichLordLabs; 04-07-2019, 07:51 PM.

      Comment


      • #5
        Heyo!

        So, first-things-first, a disclaimer of my own: I know next to nothing about Warhammer 40K or any other Games Workshop product. For that reason, I don't know what to look for concerning "authenticity" or comparability to the source material.
        ____________

        I read the PHB and the introduction to the GMG, and I can offer some general feedback and critique​​​​​​. It's apparent that these documents are very early drafts of the product, so I won't lean into you too hard.
        The major area of concern I had reading through the PHB is legibility. This is broken down into two broad categories, the first which is simply more adherance to the Savage Worlds format. You can download the free Style Guide to help with this.

        The second category is aesthetics and grammar. I don't mean any disrespect, but there are numerous errors throughout the document, primarily involving run-on sentences. I'm aware this is a rough draft, and most of the errors can be addressed simply by proofreading. I won't be making an extensive list, I'm just going to pinpoint a few examples and let you take it from there.

        "The technological level of society is comparable to that of year 1200 Europe, with some exceptions ;"

        Consider using "11th century Europe" instead of "year 1200". The latter implies a specific date (i.e., the year 1200) rather than the general time period (middle ages).
        ...Also, the sentence should end with a colon, not semicolon (and no space either), but honestly, I would simply end it with a period. It's a full sentence followed by bullet points. A colon would generally only be used if the bullet points followed a sentence fragment.

        "The largest population centers are only as big as Earth’s smaller cities. The Lords often have deals with these cities, where the cities offer tributes, luxury goods, weapons, slaves, and so on to keep from getting raided."

        A couple of things here. Firstly, I suggest avoiding using comparative descriptions if a more direct description can be provided. Instead of, "...only as big as Earth's smaller cities," simply give a population size. Ten-thousand? Fifty-thousand? Two hundred-thousand? Not only does it gives the reader a much better idea of what to expect, it doesn't take them out of the story by referencing a non-game world element. You want to put the players ON Barbarus and leave them there, not have them constantly compare the game world to Earth.

        The second thing here is word repetition. In this case "cities." Consider:
        "The Lords often have deals with the cities, demanding tribute in the form of luxury goods, weapons, and even slaves or be raided."

        And this may be a good time to mention using flavorful text. Consider:
        "The Lords often extort the citizens of the cities, demanding tribute in the form of luxury goods, weapons, and even slaves, all under the guise of magnanimity."
        By changing "deals with" to "extort", you get a sense of the intention of the Lords... they take by force. Then by saying, "under the guise of magnanimity," it implies giving tribute is better than the alternatives.

        "A lot of humans on Barbarus has tried to escape notice..."
        Watch out for subject-verb agreement. In this case, "A lot of humans have tried to escape notice..."

        "Magic items are known to exist. Bearers should be vary as the Lords often will seek out users who visibly have such items, or visibly use them."
        I'm guessing this is meant to say something like, "Bearers should be very cautious, as the Lords..." Also, the latter half of the sentence can be combined: "...as the Lords often seek out those who visibly use or possess such items."

        "Overall the majority of the population live in conditions comparable to the very poor, but yet surviving people of year 1200 Europe."

        I must say, I found it odd this was not only the last bullet point, but a bullet point at all. It can easily be included as part of the opening sentence. Consider:
        "The technological level of society is comparable to that of 11th century Europe, with a majority of people living very poor lives, yet surviving through perseverance. "
        ____________

        The final thing I would suggest is to upgrade the mechanics to Adventure Edition. Basically this means revising any Edge that uses Charisma and blending Tracking with Survival.

        Also, it seems you included Survival: Barbarus as a new skill, separate from Survival. ("Bad form, Jack. Bad form." -Captain Hook) Use only one Survival skill, but word the Edges in a way that specifies the bonus only applies while on Barbarus. Also, the correct syntax would use paranthesis --- Survival (Barbarus).

        That's about all.
        Cheers!
        Last edited by Deskepticon; 04-06-2019, 02:24 PM.

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        • #6
          Hi Deskepticon,

          First of all thank you very much for the feedback.

          While I stated that this is Work In Progress in the first post. We probably won't continue working at this too much, as it's sort of a dead end, as this can never become a commercial product because of its relation to Games Workshop copyrighted IP. But it was fun to run as a campaing for friends,and we want to share that.

          With that being said, we are extremely happy to get indepth concrete feedback like you just gave ! And we can definitely also use this advice for other projects down the road, cheers !

          I have edited the first post, so it is clear that while this is not considered finished, progression shouldn't be expected.
          Last edited by LichLordLabs; 04-07-2019, 08:11 PM.

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